Part 21 (and last) of a continuing series, (see Part 1 here), documenting and reflecting on a set of states I mapped and moved in 2008. The set revolves around a deeply buried, internalized violence taken on in childhood and adolescence in response to experiences with my father.
(What follows is a direct excerpt from The Feeling Path. It retains my perspective from 2011.)
But how many millions (billions?) of people are living with their own Vicious Enforcers holding them hostage from within? The tragedy in my personal story is not that it took me decades to liberate myself. I would not trade one second of my journey for any other.
The tragedy is that my father and mother have lived their full lives without their deepest gifts finding the light. The tragedy is that all three of us missed the opportunity for decades to share love and respect and mutual excitement for being in one another’s lives. I am fortunate that they are still here. There is some hope, but our time is running out.
How many people do you know whose gifts have not yet seen the light of day? How many people do you know who are held hostage from within? Unfortunately, we are all impoverished by the failure of any one person to have the opportunity to shine.
And how many people have you judged and discounted because of their version of the Enforcer wreaking havoc in their lives? Are you willing to reconsider your judgment, to wonder instead what gifts lie dormant, to become curious about what they might be, perhaps even to become active in inviting those gifts into the light?
And how about you? I have chosen to go much deeper in sharing some of the most difficult parts of myself than many people might think is wise. But I have done so for a purpose. I want to demonstrate to you that I have no good reason not to share anything about myself with you. I know without any hesitation that every part of me — every thought, every feeling, every impulse, every fantasy, every urge — every part of me is ultimately and perfectly good. And I know that is true for you as well. I know it without question, without hesitation, no matter who you are or what you have done.
Let me say that again. I know without any hesitation that every part of you is ultimately and perfectly good, no matter who you are or what you have done. And I want you to come to know that about yourself as well.
I have also shared in such depth because I want to illustrate for you just how complex we all are. It is easy to focus on the part and miss the whole. For example, if you had known me a few years ago you would perhaps have seen how reasonable I could be in situations of conflict, and thought highly of me for that. It would have been highly unlikely you would have gotten close enough to see the deep perturbations underneath the surface calm. Similarly, if the Vicious Enforcer had erupted in some weak moment, you would have judged me for being an uncontrolled jerk, and would never have given me credit for all the parts of me which had struggled so mightily over the years to contain it. We are all complex beyond what we imagine, but that complexity is now available to us. Now that we can see below the surface with the new tool of Feelingwork, we discover that what seems so complex is relatively simple. In the case of this set of mine there were just nine working parts, generating endless permutations of thought and behavior but operating by only a few simple principles which are easy to discern. For me, constructing the Vicious Enforcer pattern took a lifetime, but with the proper tools, excavating it and dissolving the pattern took only 10 days. (And I considered that to be taking a long time.)
So what is within you, waiting to be liberated? Do you feel a stirring of excitement about the possibilities? I suspect the ambitious vision of my Liberation self is not uncommon. We are living in times that are calling to us all. These times are calling us to rise into our biggest selves, to bring our greatest potential to contribute to this world. Our world needs our best. It needs the most we can bring to the task of transforming our civilization into the magnificent flourishing it has every possibility of becoming. What role in this renaissance is calling you from within?