Part 16 of a continuing series, (see Part 1 here), documenting and reflecting on a set of states I mapped and moved in 2008. The set revolves around a deeply buried, internalized violence taken on in childhood and adolescence in response to experiences with my father.
After moving Confusing Paralysis and Contempt, I was ready to revisit Angry at Myself. This part turned out to also have the quality of reversing its direction between the reactive and ideal expressions, and revealed itself to be the third of the three source parts. I’ll start by sharing the exploration I did at the beginning of the session.
Angry at Myself becomes Liberation Power.
“Currently angry at myself for taking so long getting through this set, dragging my feet. Of course, I know it’s just Confused Paralysis at work, but the whole team is striving to stay active despite losing three of their key players!
“Journey: I can imagine this energy increasing, so it is whomping me into complete oblivion, I get literally flattened, and the whomping continues with expressions of rage and disparagement. I can identify with the whomp energy, with clenched fists pounding downward. (Want?) The whomping becomes rhythmic, dance-like. I am dancing the whomp-ass dance. Expressions of gleeful whomping. Hua! Hua!
“This is a very forceful, male energy… outwardly directed. Seems to be about what’s outside of me, engaging with others.”
It was at this point that the feeling state of Confused Paralysis came into the foreground, and I turned my attention there. Many times in beginning to move a state, another state will rise in awareness as if to ask to be worked with first. After moving Confused Paralysis and Contempt, I returned to Angry at Myself, which was more than ready to shift.
“This moves inside me. Very bright orange energy, located at solar plexus, fueling all of this set. I have a passion for liberation, for releasing light into the world from every person. VERY bright and intense. Sound of a rumble, like a rocket engine at a distance. Makes me want to get busy, wants to fuel my engagement. Hot. The most intense part of this is about a foot and a half in diameter, and the heat and light emanates quite far, many feet at least. This is just what I bring to it, my energy, my intention.
“’I am powerful and I can make good things happen. I have the strength and intention to accomplish big things with little effort.’ There is a joyful quality to this; it is my absolute joy to serve through my actions, to create through my intention. I want to take all the work I have done and absolutely maximize its impact on as many people as possible. I am a liberator!”
After moving these three I was exhausted and done for the day. This kind of work really can be exhausting, and giving yourself enough time to rest and integrate is very important. Two days later I came back to it and moved the last three parts.
One thing I want to note about this shift along with the shifts for a couple of the earlier states. Throughout this set I am using a complementary, supporting process to help things along. This set had a very strong grip on my psyche. It had been in place for a very long time. The states were very intense. Consequently the thoughts, ideas, perceptions, and beliefs woven through this set were quite strong.
In situations like this, sometimes staying exclusively with the tangible properties of the state mapping process can feel like very hard work. Through this set I’ve been turning to active imagination or journeying as a way to “loosen things up.” Following the impulse of the imagery that arises with the state allows the state to express itself more fully. In its expression it gets to open more fully to its true nature. When it does that, returning to the tangible, explicit mapping process becomes much easier.
It’s as if, when we give the state full permission to express itself through the imagery of an active imagination journey, it realizes it no longer has to hold onto the version of reality to which it became committed in the past. It is free to reactivate its true nature. Using the explicit moving process is the best way to support the part in finding the optimal expression for that true nature.
In the following state, I again employ the journey process to get things moving.
Grief/Sorrow becomes Liberation Creation.
“The downward weight wants to turn into a downward flow. Some aspects circulating down through the center, others flowing up through the center. Something about compassion, a compassionate flow, connecting with Power Flow, an appreciation for people’s journeys, the challenges, the losses, etc. The image is like blood flowing… but there’s something unsatisfying about it…
“Journey: a surge of flow, downward, circulating back up the outside, flowing fast, powerfully, pushing some capacity boundary, a kind of screaming sound like machinery pushed to its limit… suddenly explodes outward, reaches into the space around me, flowing out from my center, into and through others around me, back in to my center. Out from center, in through heart.
“It can go in both directions but the primary direction is down through the center, from heart to solar plexus. Substance = hi-density energy, behaves like liquid but does not have mass that impacts other mass. Warm to hot. Color of a persimmon, orange, with very tiny points of light, a rich texture with thousands of light points that saturate the energy; in a strange way it makes it have a velvety texture, almost, with a sheen, like certain liquid suspensions of shimmery powder.
“The flow is more virtual, created by a communication between the points of light; they ‘nod’ to one another in one direction or the other to simulate strong flow through transmitting information. The stronger aspect is a general felt sense of flow. Sound is joyful singing, many people, celebrating the liberation of human light in all its many forms.
“This seems to be about action guided by compassion, about great force going out to express this Liberation Power, and this force is continually in touch with the pain and suffering of the people it is meant to help. Resonates with Nexus and Power Flow in some ways.
“I create structures that instigate and support the liberation of others’ light. I create structures. I have Liberation Power, channeled by Indomitable Presence and I am a force to be reckoned with. What I see to create, I create. It gets done, with the full participation and assistance of others.
“I provide opportunities for others to harness their inborn desire to shine their light brightly. People love to be given these opportunities and the guidance for how to use them. I love doing this – it is what I was born to do in any form, and the particular work I do is the specific expression of this natural gift and purpose within me, given my life path. I am totally psyched to be doing the work I am doing.
“To others: ‘Tell me what you need, what you heart yearns for, what your light desires in order to shine brightly. Then let us work together to create the structures which will support that happening easily and gracefully. I love you, and I see your light, and I do not intend to tolerate anything that prevents it from shining. I want your light in my world.’”
Tomorrow I’ll take you through the last two states I moved in this set.