My Fear: The Day My Life Changed, (1995)

The dialog below is between me as Mind facilitating me as Emotion going through a rudimentary form of Feelingwork. It is unchanged, exactly as I typed it on April 4, 1995. Typing out a dialog between these two functions was the best way I had at the time to externalize the structure of the process when working with myself. It’s a very effective way to work.

The work I do in this dialogue is not strictly Feelingwork. At times I rely on a process adapted from
Connirae Andreas’s Core Transformation to get things moving, and then come back to Feelingwork to clarify and strengthen the overall shift. At other times I explore what I call image fields, involving a dimension of feelingmind which I generally don’t find it necessary to address in my facilitation work today.

I encourage you to read this as a story, and avoid getting too far into the details. There are other, better, examples to use as guides for learning Feelingwork. For example, take a look at the transcript, A Feelingwork Session in Detail: Receiving Love. And I’ll be posting more.

For context, and an overview of the impact of this session on my life, make sure to read yesterday’s post, My First Big Transformation.

MIND: Tell me briefly about your dream, and about the general feeling you’ve been having over the past day and a half.

EMOTION: I’ve been feeling this low-level panic, like something big is going to run me down and it’s in my face and I can’t get out of the way. It has to do with the work taking off and becoming real, and Christina’s work on Sunday night really crystallized that reality. That’s when the fear started, with a need to be comforted. I noticed old feelings of needing sex happening yesterday, and knew there was fear present because of them.

Christina and I talked last night, and I mentioned the thought that “the ball is already rolling, and can’t be stopped.” She probed that phrase, and I had a sense of a massive ball that was right in front of me and rolling into me, that was going to crush me.

The dream just tonight (It’s about 4 am on Tuesday morning) was about me being in a large mansion that belonged to someone else. I had been given a room or suite of rooms on the top floor at the beginning of a day, and one thing I did was play with the light switches at the beginning. They didn’t seem to work exactly according to logic, with each switch operating lights in illogical places, but they did work. I was working in this house. Late in the evening I decided to go home, I think it was a few minutes after 6pm and I had been just staring out the window for about a half hour with nothing to do. My shift was over at 6. On my way up the stairs I passed this guy who was doing something strange with a wall socket. I didn’t understand. He was something like a David Copperfield or other, dark, good looking, mysterious. I have a sense of another version of myself. I continued upstairs and discovered that none of the light switches now worked. That and it was dark, and I had a sense that the switches had been disabled by someone who was perhaps the true owner of the house (whom I hadn’t met) and who had some secret plan to harm me. I wondered if the man on the stairs had something to do with this. I was frightened, and woke up feeling the fear as something very big, unknown.

After getting up, the fear continued, or rather, I allowed the fear to continue. The darkness was menacing, the running water seemed sinister, and every turn I made sent chills up the back of my neck. Very disconcerting.

MIND: So what are you feeling now?

EMOTION: The fear.

MIND: Where is that fear located in your body?

EMOTION: I think there’s a part of it that runs up my spine, from about the bottom of my shoulder blades up my neck to the base of my skull.

MIND: Do you have a sense of how much space that fear takes up – is it very big around or smaller, cylindrical or ribbon-like?

EMOTION: It’s like a flattened cylinder about five or six inches wide and less than an inch thick.

MIND: If there were movement inside this cylinder, what kind of movement would that be?

EMOTION: I have a sense of upward movement — that’s what seems to create the chills. But it’s an arching upward movement, pulling the fear into a backwards arch, pulling my head back.

MIND: If this fear cylinder had a color, if you could see it, what color would it be?

EMOTION: Seems like a dark maroon. More — I have a sense of it being like a solid, and smooth and shiny on the outside. Also, it seems like the arching is caused by a downward movement on the back surface, thin, at the center, pulling the whole thing into a backwards arch.

MIND: If there were a sound associated with this, what might it be?

EMOTION: It seems very low and deep, like this electrical or machine-like hum, but very low pitch, like a throb more than a hum, very loud.

MIND: Does the sound seem to have a point of origin?

EMOTION: Yes, it’s coming from behind me, farther back than the fear space, height about mid-back, about four feet behind me.

MIND: Does the fear space have a weight?

EMOTION: It’s pretty heavy.

MIND: How about a temperature?

EMOTION: Seems cold. Like if I touched it, it would be cold. Making it colder makes the fear stronger. Also, I didn’t mention, but making the sound deeper and louder has a similar effect. So does increasing both up and down forces/motions simultaneously.

MIND: Are you aware of an image-space associated with this fear?

EMOTION: Yes, very close to my face, very large, very black/dark, extending to both sides, and up and down, (although limited in downward extent to the floor as a maximum). It is curved toward, sort of around, me, so I can’t see anything else around or beside it.

MIND: Is this a three-dimensional image space, or is it essentially flat?

EMOTION: It seems the space is flat, more like a surface separating me from the other side of it. Images on it are huge and dark. If I put a face on it, the face is huge, menacing, close, but it doesn’t seem 3-D.

MIND: Is there some kind of communication or connection between the image space and the fear space?

EMOTION: This is wierd, but it seems it is generated or projected by the sound from behind.

MIND: And is there some kind of communication or connection between the sound source and the fear space?

EMOTION: Yes, it’s like that downward force I mentioned is actually (I’m feeling the fear very intensely now) a force from the origin of the sound pulling on the fear object, most strongly at the top.

MIND: So do you have a sense that there is another space to find out about at the source of the sound?

EMOTION: Yes. It seems to be ovoid in shape, about half the size of a human, half my size in volume, more than half in height. Its center is where I mentioned, about mid-back and four feet behind — maybe more like three feet. It’s height is about half way up my head and down to my knees or so. It seems gray and smooth, but more like a gas than a solid, and more like a dull, soft smooth than shiny. The fear really comes from having that thing behind me. It’s scary as hell.

MIND: So what is the connection or communication between the — what do you want to call it?

EMOTION: The fear thing.

MIND: OK, what is the connection or communication between the fear thing and the internal fear space?

EMOTION: It’s like it’s pulling, like there’s a force pulling, almost like fingers reaching out to the back of my neck, and the movement upward of the internal fear space is actually being drawn up and back by the fear thing. But there’s a resistance to the pulling. The internal fear is being pulled forward lower down; that’s why there’s an arching to it.

MIND: What’s pulling it forward?

EMOTION: There’s a space in the center of my torso, and two-sided column that is rotating forward, pulling from the back forward, drawing the fear space forward somehow. It’s like fluid boundaries, with the dual column pulling forward — the right one counterclockwise, the left one clockwise when you look from the top — and that forward motion drawing the fear space forward as if in a current moving with the central rotating cores. These cores are about a foot long. The rotation is happening slowly but with strength.

So this pulling forward is arching the fear space (in conjunction with the pulling back of the fear thing) so as to arch my back some and pull my head back and my chin in. But it’s also acting to pull my chest into itself, in opposition to the arching of the back, but in a direction perpendicular to the arching. Overall it’s rather uncomfortable.

MIND: Time for a break — back to sleep for a while.

MIND: I’m back. Hungry, though, so I might break soon for breakfast. 7:20am.

OK, so I’m wondering if there’s an image field associated with the double column formation at the center.

EMOTION: Seems maybe something out in front and low, about three or four feet out, maybe two feet high by three wide, angled up toward my face, maybe six or eight inches thick, connected to the dual columns by threads that spin off the rotation from either side and embrace the image field, come around behind it and down, and back up through the bottom center of the columns, between them. The image field is dark, smoky almost.

MIND: What happens if you put something in it — try a dog.

EMOTION: It’s just panting, looking at me, I see its eyes and feel sympathetic to it.

MIND: What if you put a woman there?

EMOTION: It’s sexual. Naked. Wanting me.

MIND: So that’s the connection between fear and sex, huh?


MIND: OK, what’s happening in the space of your head?

EMOTION: Break time. I’m too hungry. Need food.

MIND: You’ve been doing a little exploring during breakfast. What was going on?

EMOTION: I noticed that changing the fear thing made a big difference in the feeling. Making it smaller helped. Giving it color helped, or a bright white illumination. Changing the direction of the force helped, too. It was almost like changing it from a bad thing to an ally, like a guardian angel or something. I didn’t leave any of the changes for now though.

MIND: So it’s back basically the way it was?

EMOTION: Not exactly. I’m very aware now of a sadness, a drawing in and pulling down, at my heart.

MIND: And how much space does that sadness take up?

EMOTION: It goes from my throat down to my gut, in a shape that swells around my heart. Most of the pulling happens in to the heart, which then seems to send that energy downward to my gut. I think that’s part of the energy that’s feeding those two columns from the bottom.

MIND: What is the temperature of the sadness, and the color?

EMOTION: It seems to be slightly warmer than body temperature, with a similar deep maroon to the fear space. It pulls in and makes it hard to take a deep breath.

MIND: And is there an image space with this feeling?

EMOTION: I got a sense of a surrounding space about shoulder and head height, concentrated on mostly my right and left, and there’s a sense of them being drawn inward as well, dark, reddish dark actually, almost moist feeling. Tears. I put stuff in like a person and I see them feeling sadness. Dark images, slow motion.

MIND: What’s going on in the area of your head?

EMOTION: I have a sense that there’s a link between the fear and the sadness, and the link has to do with my head. My head has a heaviness about it, a grayness. There’s a slight vibration, like a quaking, radially from center.

MIND: Temperature?


MIND: Is it more like a solid, liquid, or gas?

EMOTION: More like a heavy gas.

MIND: What kind of connection or communication is there between the space in your head and the fear thing, or the fear space inside your body, or the double columns, or the sadness?

EMOTION: It seems like although the fear thing is pulling on the body fear, it has about two fingers of itself extending outward to my head. The phrase “poison my thoughts” came to mind, like it’s poisoning my thoughts.

MIND: What about any relationship between the head space and the sadness?

EMOTION: It’s kind of like the head space is not only quaking, but sinking through my throat into the sadness.

I’ve just run through the entire system: from the fear thing outward to the head space, down through into the sadness which has its own mini system with the image space to the sides, down and feeding the dual columns which have their own mini system with the image space in front, up and feeding the fear space but pulling it forward at the same time, the fear space having its own mini system with the close panorama image space, then being drawn back into the fear thing.

The whole thing is very upsetting.

MIND: Does the head space have its own image space subsystem?

EMOTION: There might be a small image up high, like a foot square and brighter than the others, and about a foot or so from my head. I get a sense there are representations of aloneness there. Relationships that are broken or not functioning.

MIND: What I would like to know is this. How did the events of the past day or two, of coming into a greater belief about the impending success of EF, bring out this new system?

EMOTION: I think it’s not that far different from the other system somehow. The image of success got sucked into the huge panaromic image of the fear. It was being created in the same place essentially, but a little farther off. That seems to be where it started. That massive ball rolling was there in my face.

This pattern must be a habitual one, and the large image of success, and for me success is large, is close enough to the fear image of this system to trigger its startup. The whole system kicks in, with the fear thing coming into being, poisoning my thoughts, giving sadness, stimulating sexual hunger, etc. I think this may be what happened the last time I encountered this fear right after Christina left for Mexico. We actually grew significantly closer in the day or two prior to her leaving, which may have come to me as a larger picture of our relationship. That image may have slipped into the fear image space and triggered the system into being. That time, I did not get the whole system figured out, so I think it was able to revisit with the strength to counter my desire to stop it.

There is a rightness to the fear image, the same as images of the future for me. Makes sense.

MIND: Lets make sure we have the entire system. What’s happening below the area of your gut?

EMOTION: Kind of an unstable shakiness, a disconnection from the ground. It’s almost like there is nothing really supporting me, that I’m on the verge of teetering over at any time. Like I have one wobbly support or something.

MIND: So it’s wobbly, and it’s in the space between your gut and the ground. How much space does it actually take up? And what about temperature etc.

EMOTION: It’s like an hourglass at the top, but the bottom half of the hourglass isn’t there; it’s just a narrow spindle of glass. Temperature fluctuates, chaotic waves through it, clear and unsubstantial.

MIND: Is there anything else to notice about any other part of you, or about something going on outside of you?

EMOTION: I get this sense of something coming in from both sides, lower than the image spaces with the sadness, with white fingers of light radiating from a point maybe a dozen feet away, and they’re available but I’m not using them.

MIND: OK, so we’re going to look for changes we can make to this system, with the objective that the EF work is empowered and supported by the system, and success is welcome.

First, it occurs to me that this is still an isolated system, except for the fingers of white light coming in from the sides. What role do they have, and what is their source?

EMOTION: First, I think I got them mixed up. They’re radiating in to a convergence point about two feet on each side of me, about hip height, a little higher. They’re coming in from infinitely far out, a range of directions in a plane parallel to my body.

I’m not sure what this is. I want to take some time out and lie down for a bit.

EMOTION: Going for a short walk, to feel the feelings.

MIND: What happened on the walk.

EMOTION: Lots. Noticed that the connection to ground is made steadier with walking. Also noticed that it drains energy from all over me, drawing down from the surface all around me, down and out. That’s part of my old-style depression, the heaviness, the draining of energy.

Also felt a longing around the mouth, like needing oral sexual contact like deep kissing, or needing certain kinds of food, rich food. This was a force inward, down, feeding that downward energy of the sadness.

Looked at the fear thing, wondered what would happen if I gave in to it, allowed it to grow and pull me into it, envelop me. The answer was that I would die.

MIND: Wow. So the fear thing is death.


Lunch break

MIND: How are you feeling now?

EMOTION: Freaked. Anxious. Paralyzed.

MIND: How does your future look?

EMOTION: Black. Can’t see it. Can’t see around the fear image. There might be something there but it’s disconnected from me.

MIND: How about your past?

EMOTION: Similar. Disconnected. I’m feeling a resistance to changing this; I don’t know why. It’s a weird circular logic, that making the fear go away will allow something big to happen that could hurt me.

MIND: Ask the fear thing what it wants.

EMOTION: It wants me to be careful.

MIND: If it had your being careful, as fully and completely as it wants, what does it want, through having that care, even more important?

EMOTION: I’m asking again, more directly — the first answer was kind of flip, first thing that popped into my mind. When I ask directly of the fear thing what it wants, it says it wants me, it wants to take me.

MIND: OK, ask, if it has you, fully and completely, exactly the way it wants, what does it want, even more important, through having that?

EMOTION: It wants me to be safe.

MIND: Safe from what?

EMOTION: From the forces of other people’s needs and desires being focused on me and pulling me apart.

MIND: OK, if it has that safety, fully and completely, exactly the way it wants, what does it want, even more important, through having that?

EMOTION: My continued evolution. It’s like I’ve learned a considerable amount this time around, and it doesn’t want me to lose that and slip backwards, and have to make up the ground later. It seems time is important, and it wants to make sure to keep this life’s gains. Being in the public eye and having the turmoil around me could screw it all up. That’s what it’s afraid of.

MIND: Let’s look at continued evolution. If it can have that continued evolution, fully and completely, what does it want through having that?

EMOTION: It wants a union with god. This is a mental concept at the moment, not a full state available to my experience right now.

MIND: OK, if it could have that union with god, what does it want, even more important, through having that union?

EMOTION: State change. At first, words were a feeling of oneness. I tried to get a sense of oneness with what, and whether there was a source of energy I was tied in to. This is a different kind of oneness, though, where I am the source. I am the universal source. This is the core state.

MIND: Now, if you choose this oneness, this being a source, for yourself now, how does that affect the desire for union with god.

EMOTION: That was a mental representation; it’s merged now with the state.

MIND: How does having this oneness, this being a source, change the experience of wanting continued evolution.

EMOTION: Being the source means I am not separated from the glorious evolution of the universe itself. I am that evolution.

MIND: How does having this state of being the source change the experience of wanting safety from other people’s needs and desires?

EMOTION: In being the source, I can fill others’ needs and desires without being or having any less for myself. In giving, the infinite source is continuously replenished. I maintain my integrity.

MIND: And is this similar to the idea of being careful?

EMOTION: Yes, being careful is irrelevant in this state. I act out of source-ness and am doing things that are good for me, good for others, good for the planet, good for the universe.

MIND: How does this change the gray thing behind you?

EMOTION: It has shrunk to a golf-ball size and come inside me to a place beneath my heart. It is the source. It is emanating light in all directions from my center. The ball itself is blindingly bright white and its center is I think as hot as a star.

MIND: What would happen if you made it bigger?

EMOTION: It would get really strong.

MIND: Let’s check out the rest of the system to see what else has changed. What’s happening in your head?

EMOTION: It still feels like this sinking heaviness, feeding the downward sadness through my center. Still an aloneness.

MIND: Are the head and heart the same entity or two different energies?

EMOTION: Two different ones.

MIND: What does the head want?

EMOTION: I’m not getting an answer.

MIND: What does the heart want?

EMOTION: I know the dual column thing wants closeness with someone. Let’s start there.

MIND: OK, if the column thing had closeness, exactly the way it wants, what does it want, even more important, through having that?

EMOTION: Being touched and seen by someone, being accepted and loved.

MIND: Ask that part, if you had the experience of being touched, seen, accepted and loved by someone, fully and completely, what do you want, even more important, through having that?

EMOTION: Feeling OK, at peace.

MIND: If you could have that OK feeling, that being at peace, what do you want, even more important, through having that OKness and peace?

EMOTION: A still fullness, a sense of being enough.

MIND: And if you have that, what do you want through having that?

EMOTION: Expansiveness. A sense of extending outward infinitely.

MIND: And if you have that, what do you want even more?

EMOTION: A freedom to move, that everywhere I want to move to, everything I want to do, is a place I already occupy, and all I have to do is shift my awareness to be there.

MIND: Wow. It seems we have come to a function of the previous state, that the core state is the expansive, being everywhere state.


MIND: How does having that expansiveness now, exactly the way you want it, affect your sense of being full, of being enough.

EMOTION: They are one and the same.

MIND: And how does having that expansiveness influence your sense of feeling OK and at peace.

EMOTION: One and the same.

MIND: And how does the expansiveness affect the experience of wanting to be touched and seen by someone, of wanting to be accepted and loved?

EMOTION: It is easy for me to move into a place of being seen and touched by someone in order to interact with them. Being accepted and loved is welcome but does not change me. I am able to move into and out of the love space of another person by changing my awareness. I am already there, inside the love space of every person, and outside it at the same time. I am more than the love of an individual.

MIND: Is that different from the desire for closeness?

EMOTION: The same.

MIND: How has this shift changed the dual column energy at your center?

EMOTION: It has become a full place, expanding up and into my chest, lifting my chest, radiating outward with a warmth and glow of yellow warm light which flows outward to infinity.

MIND: What is the relationship between the fullness space and the source?

EMOTION: The source is at the center of the fullness space. It rests quietly there, is supported within it, gives energy to it. Its energy goes out through the expansive fullness space.

MIND: Has the sadness energy changed?

EMOTION: It is less, goes down less deeply — seems to trickle out — but is still being fed by the head energy.

MIND: Now lets ask again what the head energy wants.

EMOTION: It wants to see a path forward.

MIND: So it wants a future?

EMOTION: Yes. It wants a future that gives me a direction. In saying this I feel a rustle of excitement inside my center, from that source. It’s something like the excitement Christina described with her heart energy.

MIND: Great. Ask that part, what do you want through having a direction, fully and completely, exactly the way you want; what do you want even more important through having that?

EMOTION: A feeling of being in the flow. Of moving with this great flow of life.

MIND: And if you have that experience of being in the flow, what do you want through having that?

EMOTION: Getting things done, being a positive influence in people’s lives, that kind of thing.

MIND: OK, so if you have the experience of being in the flow right now, fully and completely, how does choosing to have that experience change the desire for a direction, for a future?

EMOTION: It’s like the future is there, and all I have to do is look ahead if I want to see what’s coming.

MIND: Good. How has the head energy changed?

EMOTION: It seems that most of the head energy has dropped into my upper chest and joined with the heart energy, the energy that was sadness, and it has this pulse outward, this moving energy, moving forward, toward the future, with a sense of being supported by a greater flow, a massive liquid flow of energy from the universe travelling in the same direction. But there’s a slight tension in my forehead that’s been left behind.

MIND: How much space does that take up?

EMOTION: About the size of a coffee saucer, flat like that, dark, pressing inward on my head.

MIND: Is there something on the inside pressing out?

EMOTION: A light is beaming out, shining up through my head, coming up from my neck, up from the source, but it’s not shining out through my head because of this block.

MIND: What does the block want?

EMOTION: It wants to put a damper on things. It wants to be cautious.

MIND: OK, ask that part, if you have caution, exactly the way you want it, what do you want, even more important, through having that caution?

EMOTION: Not to make mistakes.

MIND: And if you have the absence of mistakes, fully and completely, what do you want through having that?

EMOTION: Clear goodness. Not to hurt anyone.

MIND: And if you have clear goodness, what do you want, even more important, through having that absence of hurting anyone, that clear goodness?

EMOTION: Doing good. The experience of creating good in the world.

MIND: If you have the experience of creating good in the world, and nothing but good, what do you want, even more important, through having that?

EMOTION: Being a source of goodness, a source of light and warmth, the experience of radiating pure energy.

MIND: And what do you want through having that?

EMOTION: Being at the center of that radiating light. Being bathed and immersed in the light.

MIND: How does choosing to have the experience of being bathed and immersed in the light influence your desire to be a source of energy?

EMOTION: Being in it, I feel that the source is everywhere, both inside me coming from me and outside me coming to me. I am bathed in it.

MIND: How does having this experience now change the desire not to make mistakes or hurt anyone, to be a source of clear goodness?

EMOTION: Goodness is all-surrounding. There is nothing else. There are no mistakes.

MIND: And how does being immersed in the light change the block on your forehead?

EMOTION: It melts it, allows it to become light and merge with the light coming from within me. The light is radiating out through my forehead.

MIND: How have these changes affected the area below your gut, your hips and legs?

EMOTION: There is a strength and flexibility there now, an ability to move easily. It is a strong energy that flows up and down almost in the shape of a skirt, flexible like a skirt and flowing, with energy flowing up through the center and down the outside, firmly supporting me on the ground.

MIND: Is there any other part of you that needs attention, that has not been brought into this process but needs to?

EMOTION: There’s this thin skin of quaking over my head and shoulders, connected to something in my gut, an excitement of a kind, but a tense excitement, a nervousness.

MIND: What does that part want?

EMOTION: I’m not sure, but I just kind of relaxed the tension, let it go, and it seems to be another kind of source of energy now, I’m getting a green color for some reason that brings it back tense, and if I change it to a bluer color it’s better, and lighten it, make it airy.

MIND: Good.

EMOTION: One more thing I’m noticing. The head seems to be a center of light also now, from the center of my head.

MIND: Now, let’s go through and try to identify each energy as well as possible. First, the source.

EMOTION: It seems to have dropped to a point about at my navel, maybe slightly lower, actually a few inches lower. It seems to want to come to rest at about the base of my spine but forward into the core of my pelvis. It is still white-hot, still small. I have a sense of being able to expand it if I want to tap into a greater source of energy. This is raw energy, raw source, raw power, the source of creation.

MIND: What about the radiating fullness?

EMOTION: That takes up residence at my solar plexus. No, that’s my head telling me that. Let me pay attention to it. Actually, it seems to want to settle around the area of my throat. The energy is the state of expansiveness, of being all places at once, of being able to move lightly anywhere at all just by shifting my awareness. It radiates a yellow-white light outward infinitely. It is infinite space centered on a single point, at one and the same time taking up no space and all space.

MIND: Does it have a temperature?

EMOTION: It is quite warm, even hot by body standards.

MIND: OK, what about the energy that was pulsing forward, future-ward.

EMOTION: That does seem to be centered in my heart. It’s even slightly left of center I think. It is the energy experience of flow. It’s participating in the flow of my blood, continuously, through my body. It’s experiencing being in the flow of universal energy as well. This universal energy supports and cradles the heart energy while it flows in a direction toward my future, forward and to the right. I am carried along in it by the buoyancy of my heart. The heart space is about the size of my heart, actually, also, and is a deep, glowing red (as opposed to the absorbtive maroon color it had when expressing sadness). It has a pulse, and a sound with the pulse, very like the sound of a heartbeat from the inside, a fluid pulsing sound. There is also an energy of excitement, a faster trembling almost, around its surface. This energy wants to create visions of my future and feed them, make them happen.

MIND: We’ll get to that. First let’s make sure all parts of you are settled where they want to be, and have full expressiveness available to them.

Hmm. Just had a realization as I was thinking about the future, tying it to making money, thinking about the chakra connection, etc. I realized that my thinking that I have to make money at this to make up for the sacrifices I made in discovering it, that thinking is not healthy. It’s not present. It places demands on the present that take me out of the flow of giving this work as an expression of goodness and joy and love. OK. I let go of that one.

Let’s check expressiveness of your heart energy. Can you change size, pulse rate, intensity of excitement vibration, color, sound, or anything else in a positive way?

EMOTION: Intensifying the excitement leads to greater drive to create the future; increasing the glow gives a greater feeling of fullness; making the sound louder gives a sense of drama and adds to the excitement; increasing the pulse rate picks up the speed of moving toward the future; increasing the size is not comfortable. It needs to stay the same. Feeling the flow of universal energy moving faster gives a feeling of moving faster, of being swept up in a current toward something great. Changing the temperature: warmer in the heart energy makes the flow faster, but too warm is uncomfortable. Warmer in the universal flow is soothing, cooler is invigorating.

MIND: Quick check back to the expansive energy in the area of your throat. First, what sound might it have? Next, does changing the sound, the color, the temperature, and anything else to find positive controls.

EMOTION: Sound: almost nothing seemed to “stick” until I tried whispers, coming from all over, many whispers from everywhere, softly. The softer, the better the sense, until they’re hardly voices and might be leaves rustling together. It increases the sense of being able to move to any point because I can hear a whisper from there. Light: the closer the yellow gets to white without losing its yellowness, the better. Location: at the base of my throat is best, behind and below the thyroid. Temperature: pretty lacking of inherent temperature — there’s no “substance” in this one, but the light is warming to anything in it. You know, I just noticed this energy seems to be radiating out horizontally, not out of the plane. It’s not a spherical radiation, and that seems ok for now. If I try to make it spherical, I lose the sense of location-ness of each point out there, and it seems to get in the way of other things. It’s infinitely expansive, though, so it’s not like it’s limited. It seems to work this way. And the disk has a thickness, maybe about two inches. Within that thickness in an infinity of space as well.

MIND: Now let’s check back to the source. I wonder if there might be a sound with this source?

EMOTION: At first I heard a powerful roaring flow like a rocket engine. That seemed a little much, though. It’s less than that now, but the same quality.

MIND: If you increase the size of the source, does the sound increase as well?


MIND: I’d like to revisit that bit that was nervousness before. Where is it now?

EMOTION: It has settled into the place of my solar plexus. It is in fact green, I think about the size of a tennis ball, but a dark, smooth green. It seems to be an anchor point connecting all this to my body. It can rotate about its center, and when it does, it kind of sets up this gravitational or magnetic field that knits all the other parts into a whole, links it all into one body. It both sends out influence to them and receives as well.

MIND: Now, what about the energy in your head.

EMOTION: It’s bright, and is sending out distinct rays of multicolored light. It’s kind of like my point of view is behind my left eyeball, and the center of the energy is at the center of my head, and these rays flash out in all directions, some flashing out toward where my vantage point is. They go outward very far. If I locate my perception point more in the center of my head and behind the origin of these rays, I see that a majority go through my forehead and above. Each ray is a single color, but the rays all have different colors, mostly reds, pinks, yellows, a few blues or violets, no greens. The rays are void of temperature, and do not even impart a temperature to things they illuminate. Sound: just a minimal “snap” sound with the flash of each ray, so it sounds like rice crispies or something.

MIND: Can you get a sense of the relationship to these rays to the original sense of being immersed or bathed in light/goodness?

EMOTION: Yes, it’s as if each ray has the totality of that immersion within it, and because it’s portioned out ray by ray, illuminates one action at a time, one action I take in my life.

MIND: Can you vary some of the parameters to find ways to vary the energy in a positive way?

EMOTION: Lengthening the duration of the rays gives a chance to let the goodness soak in to the act. Expanding the center from which they emanate to fill my head and even beyond is good — it gives me a fuller experience of being bathed in the light, of being full with the goodness, the love of the light. The light itself is soft, with colors kind of swirling like a soap bubble but in three dimensions, not just at the surface. Softening the sounds of the rays helps give more of a loving feeling to the goodness. When the sound gets softer, the energy there seems to be connected to my heart energy more directly. And as the light spreads throughout my body, I also am becoming aware of a free exchange of energy among all the centers. This is really an exceptional perception. I almost called it wierd.

MIND: Now let’s look at the bottom-most energy, the one that connected you to the ground. Where has it settled?

EMOTION: It’s as if it’s between my legs about three inches below my crotch. In other words, it’s not even in my body. It feels like an anchor of my self to the earth, like a rooting. It’s a cone of energy going outward and down to the ground, very stabilizing, down around the outside, up through the middle drawing earth energy back into me through that center. The earth energy comes up through all the others as well, and energy from them seems to go down the “skirt” to the earth, participating in the stabilizing.

MIND: Now I’m thinking that it seems as though the energies have settled themselves into positions and roles very like the ancient system of chakras from the eastern religions. But if I remember correctly, there are seven chakras, and we only have six. The seventh would be above the crown of the head. Is there anything going on there?

EMOTION: It seems almost like a flat halo, perpendicular to the line of my body, about 8 inches around, flat white light.

MIND: What is its relationship to the others?

EMOTION: Seems not to be related at the moment.

Want to dive in more deeply to feelingwork and further explorations of feelingmind? In 2020 I’ll be I’ll be opening a learning and practice community with live, group calls where we can go much deeper into the material and practice the skills. If you think you might be interested, please check out the community website at If you might prefer working with me one-on-one, consider booking a private pession. If you’re already clear about what you want, contact me. Looking forward to connecting!