Part 6 of a continuing series, (see Part 1 here), documenting and reflecting on a set of states I mapped and moved in 2008. The set revolves around a deeply buried, internalized violence taken on in childhood and adolescence in response to experiences with my father.
The following two states build further layers of defense to guarantee Vicious Enforcer stays effectively suppressed.
“Any sign of dominance with a lack of consciousness about the oppression of others triggers this, which drives my own Reasonableness and Disengagement. I will NOT participate in that shit. I will demonstrate a reasonable alternative, I will be a model for that better way of being.
“Very much in my head, very “cerebral,” a focused concentration and at the same time an ability to scan, to read a room for example. The feeling itself is at the center of my head, rather small, a highly concentrated energy that looks like a complex assembly of micro-crystals. The structure does not move, but the energy moves along its structure. Like standing waves in that way, the energy is travelling but the structure is constant. Structure is a kind of set of values and parameters for reason and fairness. About one inch in diameter.
“Out from this nexus, the energy can be directed in a scanning motion to identify points of communication, figure out strategy. This part works hard. Gets hot, (normally body temp). Can be obscured by Confused Paralysis when that rises to the level of the head, when direct confrontation with authority arises or when some mistake has been made.
“I have to set the standard here. I am the only one who can see clearly, who knows the truth of human nature, who can see through oppression in its many forms and stand up for the oppressed, who can clearly cut through the myths and illusions that sustain unjustified power, who can find ways to deconstruct that power and redistribute it to all, who can set a completely new path for all of us, one that all can buy into.
“I have a job to do, and I must do it well. There is a lot at stake, like the fate of the entire world.”
Clearly there is some serious imbalance working here. As you can see, my grandiosity from the long-ago bipolar disorder was still very much alive in this set, exhibited in this state. The words from within the state were amplified for dramatic effect, (surrendering to the impulse of the state in isolation), but here it was taking responsibility for rescuing the entire planet. Cheez. Good luck with that, buddy.
Reasonableness is a good example of a feeling state that would never be categorized as “feeling” according to conventional thinking. It refers to a conscious attitude and mental strategy, yet even something like this is deeply anchored in feelingmind, available to awareness with a simple shift in the beam of attention.
Angry at Myself
“When I screw up. Furious. Directed at myself. When I act with any authority and it doesn’t go perfectly. Not very verbal.
“Downward, clamping down. Like a reinforcement of Fear and Confused Paralysis, like a shock imposed from above. Drives the energy into the Reasonableness, to amp that up in compensation. Like a shock wave of energy coming down upon my body. The Fear is kind of a shock receiver for this. It hits in just that spot, upper back and shoulders, a little on the upper chest. It’s coming down from slightly behind.
“Temp = neutral. Color = reddish orange, dense. Energy is very dense, almost like a sandbag in density. Hits hard. Sound is an angry grunt. My body wants to respond to this with downward strikes through my fists. Voice is my own, berating me.
“‘You stupid shit. Goddamn it. You screwed up. Get it right.’
“I have to get it right. I have to be perfectly reasonable (* Reasonableness). I cannot express anything that imposes anything on anyone, anything they do not inherently want. “Everything I do has to be about eliciting others’ desires and working with them. Cannot impose my own desires on anyone. It’s bad. It’s the worst thing anyone can do. I hate the people who do it and I will not be like them.”
The Angry at Myself state clearly connects to another, Contempt, in the statement, “I hate the people who do it and I will not be like them.” As you’ll see in tomorrow’s post, Contempt turns out to also be playing a role in further suppressing the Vicious Enforcer.