Stage: Reactive

Cranky/Angry/Rage

Like embers, carbon, ash, and fire, smoldering in Cranky phase. Fire filling body, emanating from face in Angry phase. Erupting into volcanic torrent in Rage phase. Rooted low in the belly, rises up through my body; the higher and stronger it rises, the more intense is the anger. Rage is only in rare fantasies of …

Cranky/Angry/Rage Read More »

Overwhelm

Like a churning, seething horde of giant, 4-inch-long insects around my torso. Frenzied, chaotic movement, like an army of ninjas on meth trying to defend against the outside but more often bashing into each other. In some places they are strong and the collective effect is that of a strong body; in others they are …

Overwhelm Read More »

Hopeless

Blackness, like an egg surrounding me and through me. Permeates everything inside, blocks everything outside, (only partially – I can still feel all the painful stuff). A dampening silence inside it. Substance is like egg white but dry, has viscosity and thickness but not moisture. Resists movement. Neutral temp. Completely opaque, black. A sense of …

Hopeless Read More »

Alone/Abandoned

A vacuum where a protective, warm, nurturing body is supposed to be. An empty, vacant space all around me, about a foot or two. No protection (from Bombardment). Cool/chilly. Color like an insipidly flat, non-blue, non-clouded sky, with a sense of darkness. Still and quiet. Expands and darkens to form a buffer between myself and …

Alone/Abandoned Read More »

Longing for Comfort

Moist, red, soft, fleshy solid, super-heightened sensitivity, reaching, on all surfaces of my body, including the alimentary canal. Surfaces, 1/2-inch thick. Small, peristaltic micro-movements, heightened around the mouth, satisfied by taste, touch, at which time the movements subside. Whiny groaning sound. Wanting food, sweets, numbing. I just want comfort. I just want the pain to …

Longing for Comfort Read More »

Hurt

Like galaxy stuff, torus shape, imploding on itself, as if being sucked into a black hole at the center of my heart. Giant inner dimensions but only 6-8 inches external dimensions. An ache, longing. Impulse to cry. Something really important is missing. Loss.

Core Fear

A dense, concentrated gas, swirling viciously around its center which is nearly empty, like a vacuum. Ice cold. Small, maybe two inches diameter, spherical, but has the capacity to expand instantly and stop everything, freeze everything, paralyze everything. In my belly, hidden inside the ember of Cranky/Angry/Rage. This is the horror of being alive, held …

Core Fear Read More »

Cringe

Soft solid, like putty/clay, porous, not real dense. Contracting, twisting as if to avoid being hit. Bluish gray. Warmer than body temp. Sound of a whimper. A sense of curling into someone’s body. Primitive self-protection.

Bombardment

Massive, dense noise, as if made of sharp, hard boulders, unconscious, expanding to fill all space around me, wanting to crowd me out of existence. Like male voices but chaotic, meaningless, dangerous. Intense bursts of aggressive expansion happening randomly in all directions. Dark gray with flashes of red where sounds/boulders collide. Life is extremely dangerous, …

Bombardment Read More »